Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
