My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
