if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
