apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my sisters under your porch take her home
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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