I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
