you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
