I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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