Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
