your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
MIDGETS
????
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
