So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
try to milk me bitch
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
