The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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