You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
