I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize