i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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