I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
