Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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