I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We had to coat check the pizza.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
