Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
