The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
