My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
