My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
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