Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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