This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
