My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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