My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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