worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
