omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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