I just made out with a guy for $7.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
