Just fell off a train. Bad.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
