the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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