My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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