I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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