can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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