Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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