so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My hand turned me down
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
