I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
