im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
