reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
