oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
