Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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