What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
