I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
