his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
