I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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