the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Everything about him screamed your future.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
