We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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