Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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