I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
