Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
