he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
