i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
