Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
