Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
